the other day, john told me that he was thinking about it a lot, and he realized that even if the things he has planned for himself in life don't work out (his band, job, etc.), he'll be satisfied and happy as long as he can make me happy. it was probably the best thing anyone's ever said to me. i've been pretty emotionally unstable lately; i feel unhappy for no reason a lot, and i kept getting worried that i'm going to somehow ruin me and john's relationship, or that it won't work out. whenever i feel really down, i just think about what he said to me, and try to realize that i have every reason in the world to be happy.

this little bout of depression can't end soon enough. i really hate that i'm feeling this way. the worst thing is that i have no control whatsoever over my emotions, and it's nearly impossible to get me out of a bad mood when i slip into one. talking to john is really the only thing that helps, but most of the time i feel sad again as soon as i get off the phone. honestly, i'm starting to get really worried, and worrying so much only makes the problem worse. talk about a vicious cycle. the thing i'm worried about most is having this affect me and john in some way. i keep getting paranoid that things aren't how they used to be between us and that he doesn't love me anymore. that's absolutely irrational and ridiculous, and even though i know that, i can't stop the thoughts. then i think to myself that me thinking things are changing for the worst is actually making things worse. it's all in my head, all of it, but reminding myself of that doesn't make me feel any better. i sound like a fucking psychopath.

i know this is by no means a permanent thing...i'm just under a lot of stress right now. i'm past the point of being sick of school, i'm worried about the situation with my knee, i'm sick of being broke, things between me and my mom are up and down as always, and to be quite honest, i'm head over heels in love and it scares the shit out of me. it's the most wonderful feeling in the world, but i'm not used to actually caring about a person...i was always that girl who would be with a guy for 2 or 3 weeks, and then drop him like it was nothing. the only guys i "cared" about were the ones i couldn't get, and the only reason things lasted longer than a month was because i was spited by not being able to have them. one of my fortes is fucking things up, and i'm just really scared of losing what me and john have. it sounds horribly cliche but he really is the best thing that ever happened to me, and i'm not willing to give it up.

the only way i can get myself out of this is by keeping a positive attitude. i've gotten out of this before and i will again. it's just hard because when i feel this way, it's usually extremely intense, and even though it's for a relatively short amount of time (a week or two), being so down all the time makes it feel like A LOT longer. i just have to stay rational and realize that everything's going to be okay, that all this stress is going to pass, and that john loves me a lot and wouldn't let anything bad happen to us. as long as i think like that, i'll be okay.